


reach out your hand (and raise a glass)

by Lanerose



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Campaign 1 (Critical Role), Canonical Character Death, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Other, Post-Vecna Arc (Critical Role), Spoilers, Team as Family, post campaign one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-07-29 09:50:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16261730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lanerose/pseuds/Lanerose
Summary: The days following the chapter's close and before the epilogue in c1e115.Or, Vox Machina goes to Pandemonium because Grog's an idiot.





	reach out your hand (and raise a glass)

**Author's Note:**

> "When you don't feel strong enough to stand, you can reach, reach out your hand / and oh / Raise a glass to freedom, something they can never take away." ~ Found/Tonight

The morning after, Vex’ahlia woke up in the woods, a slightly larger male form curled at her back. The weight of the arm wrapping around her was so familiar that for just a moment, she forgot.

“Vax?” she said sleepily, her eyes blinking open, then closed again as she turned into his warmth. “I had the strangest dream, Vax.”

The arm pulled her closer, and a voice far more plummy than expected replied, “Not a dream, I’m afraid.”

“Percy,” she said, and with his name, it all rushed back. She had woken to a world without her brother in it once before, only to find him waiting for her at the foot of a tree not five minutes after she awoke. They had been among the worst five minutes of her life, wondering how she would make it through however long it took to get him back.

This was so much worse.

“It’s all right.”

“No it isn’t,” Vex replied. Her voice shook. She could feel the damp stream of tears on her cheeks, soaking through Percy’s shirt below them.

“It will be…” Percy started, then stopped. “It will get easier.”

She swallowed around the lump in her throat. “I wish I could believe that.”

“You don’t have to right now,” Percy said. He stroked her hair, rocking them ever so slightly back and forth. “I’ll know for the both of us until you’re ready.”

“And if I’m never ready?”

“Then I’ll always know.” He kissed her forehead. “Missing family is something of a specialty of mine. Trust me, I know.”

She sobbed, the ugly, unattractive kind of crying that would give her a dehydration headache and Vax wouldn’t be around to have gone for a glass of water for her, and the thought of it only made her weep the more. Everything was awful, just awful. The longest they had been apart in their whole lives was the two days for the trials at the Slayer’s Take. She would live years now – years in which she changed, years without him.

“There, there,” Percy said, stroking her hair. “There, there.”

His voice was soothing even if his words were nonsense, but she couldn’t make herself stop crying even if she had wanted to, which she didn’t. Not with Vax gone. Later, she would need to take Velora home to Syngorn. She would need her strength then. For just this moment, she would rely on Percival’s instead.

Percy began singing softly in a language she didn’t recognize, a slow and mournful tune that suited her mood. Her breathing slowed, keeping time with the music until at last she had no more tears to cry and both her weeping and the song wound to a close.

Percy waited silently, still stroking her hair.

How long they lay there among the barren trees, Vex’ahlia would never be able to say. In that time, though, the air grew warmer as the sun peeked its way over the horizon, brightening the sky until it illuminated the Parchwood. When she opened her eyes, the sky was as blue as it had ever been, and the early signs of spring that she had missed the night before stood stark and green against the bleakness of the fading winter.

“We should be getting back if we don’t want the others to worry,” Percy murmured at length. “The last thing we need right now is for anything to happen to the rest of us, or for us to make anyone think that anything has happened to us.”

“You’re right,” Vex replied, unmoving.

Percy untangled his hand from her hair and moved it to hold the hand that she had rested on his chest. He leaned down and kissed her forehead.

“Come on,” Percy said, supporting her into a sitting position, “time to get up.”

Vex grumbled but allowed herself to be guided to her feet. Percy stopped to dust them both off, shaking the dirt from their cloaks and wrapping the cloaks around them once more. Then he took her arm.

“Let’s go home,” he said softly.

“Yes,” Vex replied. “Let’s go home.”

~

Back in Whitestone, they detoured to Vex’s house rather than heading straight to the castle so that they could grab a change of clothes for the day. When they arrived, however, there was a guard waiting for them.

“Thank goodness you’ve returned,” said the guard, bowing to them both. “Your presence is requested at the castle immediately.”

“Immediately?” Percy said, his voice rising inquisitively. “I know that we’ve been gone all night, but I’m sure you can assure my sister and our compatriots of our well-being long enough for us to prepare for the day.”

“No, sir,” replied the guard. “I was sent to wait for your return at the behest of Sarenrae’s chosen Pike, who indicated it was a matter of the utmost urgency related to your goliath friend.”

“Grog?” Vex’ahlia’s eyes narrowed. “What did he do?”

Sweat appeared on the guard’s brow. “I’m – that is, I’m not entirely sure, but your cleric friend said it had something to do with a deck of cards?”

“Oh!” Vex gritted her teeth, a frustrated growl working its way out of her throat. “I’m going to kill him.”

“Now, Vex –“

“We told him, Percy! We warned him that it was dangerous, and what does he do?” Vex threw her hands up and turned from the house to stalk towards the castle. “He waits until Pike’s the only one around to go ahead and draw a card anyway. If he’s lost all our possessions from the bag of holding, I’m going to kill him.”

“Calm down, Vex,” Percy said, following after her and catching her hand until they were walking at a more sedate pace, “no one said anything like that happened,” Percy glanced at the messenger. “Did they?”

“No, sir,” said the guard, who had jogged after them. “All I was told was that you were needed at once.”

“All right then,” Percy replied. “You can return to your regular duties, we have received the message and are on our way.”

“Thank you, sir!”

~

At the castle, they were quickly directed to Grog’s room. The goliath was stretched out on his bed, unmoving and still in a way that they had never seen before.

“ _What_ did he _do_?” Vex’ahlia asked as she stormed in, Percy close on her heels.

“Now, Vex, try to calm down,” said Scanlan, stepping in front of her with his arms outstretched. “We all make mistakes, and it seems like the big fella may have made a big one this time, but – “

“But what did he do?” Vex repeated, coming closer. “He drew another card, didn’t he?”

“Yes,” replied Pike. She was seated on the bed beside Grog, her small hand resting gently on his cheek. “To be fair, we had all said that he could earlier –“

“Did we, though?” Vex said. “I seem to recall telling him that this was a terrible idea, and Keyleth just didn’t care enough to stop it.”

“Either way, it was a really stupid thing for him to do, but what’s done is done.” Pike continued to stare unmovingly down at Grog’s face. “Isn’t that right, Grog?”

“I wished to get Grog’s soul back,” Scanlan said, running a hand through his hair, “and obviously it didn’t work quite the way I intended. I had a vision, though, of this weird plane where it sounded like everyone was weeping. There’s a ruby there that’s guarded by a howling dragon, and well. Well, I’m pretty sure that Grog’s soul is in the ruby.”

“Wait, he’s part of a dragon’s hoard? In a hell plane?” Keyleth’s voice rose incredulously.

“You said it sounded like weeping?” Percy asked.

“Why, have you been to a place like that?” replied Scanlan.

“Been to, no, but I think I may have read about it.” Percy tilted his head and rested his hand against his cheek. “I think… Pandemonium, I think that’s what it’s called.”

“Well that sure sounds appealing,” said Keyleth.

“Hmm, quite.” Percy tapped his lips with his index finger. “It’s mostly a place for things that have been banished there. They say that the only way to speak to another person is to scream, and even then you won’t be able to hear them if you’re more than ten feet apart. There’s also supposed to be some sort of weeping and moaning sound that basically permeates the plane and can drive you mad if you listen to it.”

For a long moment, the group digested the news in silence.

“Well,” Scanlan said eventually, “that sure sounds… appealing.”

“Keyleth, Vex,” Pike said softly, looking down at her hands, “I know this is asking a lot, especially after yesterday – “

“Oh, don’t worry, darling,” Vex replied darkly, reaching for her equipment, “we’re going to get his soul back. We’re going to rip it from wherever it’s been left and shove it back into him, if only so that Grog will appreciate it properly when I kill him with my own two hands. Isn’t that right, Keyleth?”

“Now just a minute,” interjected Scanlan, “I think, that as his partner on many late night ladies runs, the right to kill him belongs to me.”

“Oh, no,” Pike said, “as his oldest friend, it’s mine. But you can all help, once we’ve gotten his soul back. All right?”

The remaining members of Vox Machina exchanged glances.

Eventually, Keyleth shrugged. “That sounds fair.”

“Really?”

“Sure, it’s not like I had anything other than crying planned for the next few weeks,” said Keyleth. “Might as well go do it in some far flung plane that’s already wailing and mourning. Might be less noticeable down there, anyway.”

“How do we even get there?” wondered Scanlan. “I mean, obviously, planar shift, but don’t we need a tuning fork for that?”

(They did.)

“We do,” Keyleth replied. “Anybody know where we might find one of those so we can get this thing over with?”

“I don’t,” said Vex, “but we can try asking Gilmore or Allura, or even my father might know, since we’ll need to drop Velora off before we can go any farther.”

“Didn’t we leave Allura back in Vasselheim with Kima?” Scanlan asked. “Maybe we should start with Gilmore, and then ask your father, and travel back to Vasselheim only if we have to.”

“Oh,” Vex said, and suddenly paused.

Percy turned to look at her curiously. “What is it, Vex?”

Vex shook her head. “It’s nothing, darling. Only… only I wasn’t sure whether anyone has told Shaun yet about…. about what happened to Vax.”

The group went silent, everyone looking away.

“I poked my head into his room earlier after I realized what Grog had done,” said Pike, “only he looked so tired – like really, really needs to sleep for a couple of weeks tired – so I didn’t want to wake him up. I don’t think anyone’s woken him since we got back.”

Silence once more descended over the group.

“Well,” said Vex’ahlia, rising to her feet and brushing off her armour, “well, then – “

“Vex – “

“Then I suppose that I should be the one – “

“Vex, darling – “ Percy tried again.

“It’ll be good to practice for telling – “

“Vex’ahlia!” Percy grabbed Vex’s hand. She stopped and turned to him, her eyes glistening with tears that threatened to spill over.

Keyleth kicked off the wall she’d been leaning against and walked closer to Vex and Percy.

“We’ll go together,” she said firmly, putting her hand on top of Percy’s.

“All right,” said Vex. She swallowed deeply around a lump in her throat. “Together.”

~

A quick question to the guard pointed Keyleth, Vex, and Percy towards an infrequently used guest room that the castle’s inhabitants had insisted Shaun Gilmore make use of when he returned Cassandra to them the night before. Pike and Scanlan stayed behind to sort through the Bag of Holding and figure out what to leave behind so that they could maximize their space.

(“Why would you bother?” Keyleth asked.

“Because if we’re killing dragons anyway, we might as well take all their scales and loot with us.” Scanlan replied, already up to his elbow in the Bag of Holding.

“Fair.”).

Vex stood in the corridor, Percy and Keyleth beside her, and tapped hesitantly at the door. There was a sound of someone stirring, perhaps turning over in bed, and a groan.

“Come in?” Gilmore called, his voice somewhere between welcoming and hesitant. Vex pushed the door open. Morning light had streamed through the windows, which no one had bothered to shut the curtains on the night before. Gilmore was stretched out upon the boxy guest bed, a soft-looking robe taking the place of his usual resplendent attire. He smiled when he saw them. “My friends! I take it by your presence here in Whitestone that you have defeated whatever foul being it was that had kidnapped myself and your other allies?”

“You could say that,” Percy said after a moment, when neither Vex nor Keyleth began to speak. Something in Gilmore’s expression dimmed as he took in their appearance more clearly. “Gilmore, I’m sorry to say that we have unfortunate tidings to share with you, but before we get to them, I must inform you that Grog’s soul has been banished by a deck of cards to Pandemonium and we are in need of a tuning fork to go and retrieve it. Would you be able to tell us where we might find such a thing?”

Gilmore blinked. “Your news must be dire indeed if the banishment of Grog’s soul is the lesser problem.”

“Quite.”

“Well, then,” Gilmore said, taking in their appearance. Vex could feel her own eyes itching and had no doubt that Keyleth’s were doing the same, red-rimmed as they obviously were. “Business first, I suppose.”

Gilmore stroked his goatee. “I don’t personally sell such items, but I know of a store that traffics in planar tuning forks. They’re apparently very important when your city sometimes shifts between planes, which is of course why the establishment is in Syngorn. It’s called Azimuthal’s Emporium, and can be found in the Yholond district.”

He paused and looked significantly at Vex. “I suppose I don’t have to tell you that it might be a difficult place for you, Keyleth, or Vax’ildan to barter. Strange as it may sound, they’ll likely give a better price to someone who’s a complete outsider rather than someone of – forgive me – mixed blood.”

“No,” Vex said, her voice sounding to her own ears as if it came from a great distance, “you don’t need to tell me that.”

“Thank you, Shaun,” said Percy. “We appreciate your help, as always.”

“Anything for Vox Machina,” Gilmore replied. A smile briefly lit up his face, before it faded quickly into a more solemn visage. “Now, what are these tidings you bring me?”

Vex stepped forward and sat on the edge of the bed, taking Shaun’s hand in her own. Keyleth mirrored her on the opposite side of the bed, while Percy stood just behind Vex. The words should have been small – dead was barely four letters long, Vax and is were both shorter than that – and yet they seemed like a giant boulder in her throat, heavy and weighing down her vocal chords.

“Not that I mind holding hands, Keyleth, Vex’ahlia,” Shaun said, confused, “but what is all this about?”

“Vax is gone,” replied Keyleth, her eyes focused on the wall behind Gilmore’s head.

Gilmore tilted his head. “I beg your pardon?”

“It’s true,” Vex said. “He . . . my brother is gone.”

“What do you mean, gone?” asked Gilmore. “Has he gone somewhere that it will be difficult to retrieve him from?”

Vex gave a humourless laugh filled far too closely with tears. “Unfortunately, I don’t think that even we will be able to save him from this one.”

“Surely not,” replied Gilmore. “You’ve just defeated something with power close to a god, if I understand what happened correctly. Where, in all of Exandria, or these planes of existence, for that matter, does Vox Machina’s collective reach fail?”

“He’s dead, Gilmore,” Percy interjected, squeezing Vex’s shoulder as he said it. “I’m sorry to have to put it so bluntly, but he’s dead.”

Gilmore shook his head. “How? He seemed fine when I saw him yesterday. Was it the god you were fighting?”

“Well, yes and no,” replied Percy. “It’s a little bit debatable whether he was actually alive when you saw him then, you should know, so –“

“Stop talking, Percy,” said Vex. She curled her fingers closer around Gilmore’s hand. “The very short version is that my brother was killed and his body disintegrated in a fight three days ago.”

“Three days ago? Vex’ahlia, I spoke with him yesterday – “

“Yes, well, you know my brother,” said Vex, waiving her free arm haphazardly through the air. “He likes – liked – a good bargain almost as much as I do, and apparently he made one with the Raven Queen in order to return to us for the fight against Vecna.”

“I don’t – that doesn’t – how would that even – “

“I think it’s safe to say that even we don’t know all the details of exactly how or why Vax returned to us,” said Percy, “although under the circumstances, I’m glad that we didn’t have to gather the diamonds that Keyleth said we would need to try and approach the situation from a different angle, as it belatedly appears that we would not have had adequate time to stop Vecna if we had been forced to take the time to do so.”

“Not helping, Percy,” added Keyleth, who had turned to stare out the window.

Gilmore shook his head. “Am I hearing this correctly? That before Vax’ildan made his deal, you already had a contingency plan to raise him from the dead?”

“Yes,” said Keyleth. “It may not have been a very good plan, since it involves a spell that I have never tried before and a truly ridiculous amount of diamonds, but hopefully it would have worked.”

“Forgive me, but if that’s the case, then why aren’t you trying that spell right now to bring him back from wherever it is that he’s gone off to?” Gilmore asked.

“Well… it’s… complicated,” said Keyleth. She looked down at the floor.

“Then make it less complicated!” Gilmore roared. Keyleth, Vex, and Percy all jumped. Gilmore shook himself, and said more gently, “I’m sorry. I don’t understand.”

“There’s more to it,” said Keyleth, “but the most important part is that the spell only works with the target is willing, and Vax wouldn’t be.”

“Keyleth – “ Vex’s voice broke on her sister-in-law’s name.  Keyleth hunched her shoulders and looked away.

“What do you mean?” Gilmore repeated, looking back and forth between them.

“Before – before the Raven Queen - took him,” Vex said, and she could feel the tears rolling down her cheeks, Percy’s hand on her shoulder, and Shaun’s hand tightly in hers. “She let him say goodbye. And he told us not to fight her. To let it happen. That he was going to see mother and tell her – tell her hello for me – And then he was _gone_.“

And then there was nothing left to say.

Vex closed her eyes, turning her face away and bearing her face in Percy’s shirt. It felt like she had been crying constantly. She squeezed Shaun’s hand, which had gone limp in her grasp, before it pulled free. She peeked open her eyes once more, looking back to see Gilmore embracing Keyleth. He reached out and pulled Vex and Percy in as well.

“The world has lost a truly beautiful light in your most recent endeavor,” Gilmore said, his voice thick, “but I am glad that if I must face this loss, I do it with those who he loved best. Where are the rest of Vox Machina?”

“Preparing to retrieve Grog’s soul,” replied Percy, who had suffered the embrace momentarily before shifting himself away.

“Oh. Oh! That’s right, you did say that about Grog’s soul,” exclaimed Gilmore. He shook his head, running a hand through his hair. “You members of Vox Machina really don’t do things by half measures, do you?”

“It’s not our strongest suit, no,” said Keyleth through her own tears.

“I’m sorry to say I can’t offer you any aid,” said Gilmore, “but please do try to come back. I don’t think I could take the loss of another friend just now.”

“I don’t think any of us could.” Vex patted Gilmore’s arm and rose from the bed. “Take care of yourself, Shaun. We’ll see you soon.”

“Until then, my friends,” he replied, “until then.”

Gilmore watched Vox Machina as they left the room one by one, Percival holding the door open for Keyleth and Vex before nodding once at Gilmore and ducking out himself. The door clicked closed behind him.

“‘It was a pleasure knowing you,’ huh, Vax’ildan?” he mumbled with a humorless chuckle. “Well, I suppose it was, at that.”

It was a long time before any of the other inhabitants of Whitestone Castle saw Gilmore that morning, and if his smile was dim and his eyes were red when he finally appeared, no one was so discourteous as to comment on it.

~

“Wake up, darling,” Vex said softly, gently shaking Velora’s shoulder. Her sister stirred slowly.

“Vex?” she said, blinking sleep from her eyes. She yawned and stretched.

“Yes, darling, wake up, please,” Vex replied with a tiny, tight smile on her face. “It’s about time we got you home.”

“Home?” Velora asked. She sat up. “With Mama and Papa?”

“Yes indeed.” Vex stroked Velora’s hair, straightening it. “I’m sorry that we don’t have a change of clothes for you, but I’m sure you can switch just as soon as we’re back in Syngorn, all right?”

“All right, Vex,” said Velora. She pushed back the blankets and took Vex’s hand. “Can we go now? Mama and Papa must be worried.”

“Hopefully not too worried, dear, since we sent word ahead for them to be expecting us,” replied Vex. Velora hopped down from the bed and Vex stood up with her and started for the door. “Still, first begun is soonest done. My friend Pike is bringing items from the bakery for us to eat for breakfast along the way, all right?”

“All right,” Velora replied. She stopped and hugged Vex. “I’m glad you’re here, Vex.”

“You too, darling Velora,” said Vex softly. “You too.”

The walk to the Sun Tree was quick in the still early morning, the town itself stirring now, with people leaving their homes to head to work. At one point, they walked past the bookstore owner whose shop is next door to the Slayer’s Cake. He recognized Vex and started to walk over to say hello, only to stop when he takes in their faces. He waved, instead, and Vex gave him a little wave back, pushing forward a smile to try and be reassuring. It didn’t seem to quite work, so she winked, and turned away before he could question it.

It was strange, to see only four people waiting at the Sun Tree’s base. Strange to have Scanlan back, and Tary gone. Stranger still to not have Grog, or Vax. Vex blinked back the thought furiously, her hand on Velora’s shoulder squeezing her sister tighter against her. Pike and Scanlan were talking quietly. Keyleth was staring off into the distance, not meeting anyone’s eyes for all that she was responding to Percy’s occasional attempts at conversation.

Percy, casting about for something else to say to Keyleth, spotted her first.

“Vex, Velora!” He called. “Are you ready to go?”

Vex gave him a tight smile. “I suppose that’s up to Keyleth. Ready, Keyleth, darling?”

“Sure,” said Keyleth, her voice flat and toneless as she placed a hand on the Sun Tree and opened the way, “let’s go.”

**Author's Note:**

> “Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life.” – Anne Roiphe
> 
> Portions of this have been previously posted on my tumblr, and it's likely that I will continued to post bits of it there in advance of things coming here. Also, entirely by accident, it's apparently the one year anniversary of episode 115 today, so yay for that.


End file.
